Parting Thoughts
by Hika-chan1
Summary: *COMPLETE* From Excalibur 120 - People's thoughts as Pete Wisdom packs his things to leave Muir and Kitty (Kitty, Pete, Kurt & Meggan)
1. Say Something: Kitty to Pete

Ok so I was on a scanning frenzy with my Excalibur comics and I was scanning 120 when Pete and Kitty break up (sob!) And I thought, "Well the have what Pete's thinkin'... what about Kitty?"   
Oh yeah, just in case break out the hankies. My eyes kept tearing up so much I could barely see the keyboard. (but that's me I dunno about you, but It's just a fair warning)  
  
Characters within this story are not mine, Kitty, Pete, and Lockheed all belong to Marvel  
All spoken dialouge in this part is from the comic (Excalibur 120)   
  


**Parting Thoughts**  
By Hika-chan  
**Chapter 1: Say Something- Kitty to Pete.**  
  


I don't want you to go. You're packing your bags and actually folding your clothes as you put them in the suitcase. (I guess I had some influence on you after all.) You're grabbing every last little bit of you and walking out of my life without giving me so much as a tiny souvineer. No pants, no belt, no shirt, no tie, not even a bloody sock. I'm sure the second you leave I'll be scouring your room for some physcial sign of you for me to keep. It's silly that I'm thinking in terms of "you and yours" instead of "he and his" I guess I grew up around too many telepaths. I honestly believe that if I think loud enough you'll hear me.   
  
I wish I was a telepath instead of having such a stupid power, not that it hasn't come in handy. Actually right now I'd rather be an empath, so I could know what you're feeling... then again I know what your feeling already. I don't need to be like Meggan to know that. Your hurt, your angry... you feel betrayed. And we both know it's all my fault.  
  
You're putting away a tie... I have to say something, "So this is it huh?" Got that sounds so stupid! So Sterotypical. Why did I say that?  
  
"Looks like it." You say as you close your suitcase, the sterotypical response. Maybe people always say those things because they can never think of anything to say, what they should say. What _I_ should say. Or maybe like me they can't work up the guts, or push aside their pride, to say it or beg for fogiveness. Beg for you to say like I want to do so badly.  
  
"Will you be back?" I'm living up to my name aren't I? Decide not to beg and hope that you'll be the one to turn around first. I still haven't decided, or rather figured out, whether or not I'm too proud or too scared. Too scared that if I ask you, beg you to stay that you'll say no. That would rip me apart more than just you leaving... wouldn't it? Should I chance it?  
  
You light your cigarette and give me a bit of hope. "Depends."   
  
A feeble hope but it's worth asking about. "On?"  
  
"Dunno Pryde. It just depends." I wish you would give me a more detailed goal to strive for. I'd swim across the seven seas. I would take on the brood, the phalanx, the entire Shi'ar empire. I would take on Magneto, Sabretooth, Omega Red, the Dragons of the Crimsion Dawn and all those aliens all at once by myself for you right now. God can't you see that?  
  
We should talk about this more! It's not fair for you to leave like this! I have to at least say that. "That's not fair, Peter. We parted on a bad note. I was having doubts about our relationship. Nothing actually happened between Rigby Fallon and me. I just felt..." It wasn't love, it wasn't lust. It was.. it was... "something" I dunno how else to describe it. I guess that's pretty pathetic a smart girl like me at a loss for words. But you'd be dissapointed in me for that wouldn't you? Well maybe you wouldn't have before, but the fact that I took so long to tell you and didn't take the time to come up better than "something". Yeah I'm dissapointed too.  
  
"Something different than what I feel for you -" God that sound so lame "- Mostly because he and I are the same age -" Once again with the lameness. It's all just so stupid! The whole mess never should have happened! "- But nothing like what you and I share. I'm not asking you to like it, but can't you at least see my side?" God I can't even call you Pete in my head right now. That's how serious this is. I can't even use that simple would be nickname much less even think about calling you a "smarmy limey" or a "soddin' git."  
  
"Why should I?" Can't you see? Please try, at least try! You're the first man I ever really loved, don't you understand that? Don't you understand how frightening that is for me Peter? Why else do you think I didn't even ask to stay for a moment longer to make up with you before I left for that dumb SHIELD assignment. I was scared that if I did stay and we kept fighting that it would have been over then. But instead it's over now.. isn't it?  
  
"Peter if you can't answer that for yourself..." Your still not looking at me. Another thing that kills me. Maybe you were looking when I wasn't. Another tiny hope but one I can cling to since it's too trivial a thing to ask about. But then again it always was the little things that were best weren't they? They way my back fit against your chest, or my hand in yours. How I used to torture you with my glacier like feet just to wake you up in the morning. Those days when you got me to sleep in a little bit longer and gave me that satisfied goofy grin upon that victory. How since you came here your hair became slightly more tame. The way I've learned to love your scent, ciggarettes and alcohol. Hell even the way you and Lockheed fi-  
  
"Then maybe this is for the best." No... oh god please don't say that please don't. God why aren't I crying? If I was crying would you turn around and comfort me. If you held me in your arms again, at least one last time I could die happy, as long as I was in your arms. I want to die in your arms Peter. I want to die an old bitter woman with grandchildern at the exact same time you die so that neither of us would have to worry about leaving the other behind. If you did come to me, hold me, I'm sure my pride would fall, would lose to my screaming heart. If only one of us gave up our pride first the other would probably follow suit. God I love you so much Peter. My heart is in my throat now, I can barely breathe past it... barely breathe.  
  
You put out your last cigarette and I wait, in some silly anticipation for you to light another one, as though it would keep you here longer. But you don't, instead you throw your jacket over your shoulder and my heart beats more rapidly in my thoart. Maybe it's not my heart, maybe it's just a growing lump... Yeah that's gotta be it since I know where my heart is. It's in your hand and your crushing it. Of course I guess I'm not doing that great a job with yours now am I?  
  
You pick up your suitcase now, why does it seem like everything is going in slow motion. Like I'm being tortured watching you leave, watching you not watching me. God I loved the way you watched me, looked at me. Your eyes made me feel loved, safe, wanted, desired, and so many other wonderful things that there are too many to name. But you're not looking at me. I have to watch you go and I can't say anything passed whatever is stuck in my throat. GOD one of us has to say something! Don't leave me in this deadly silence! Please! It's Killing me!  
  
You stop at the door. "You said you _loved _me," you say and look at me. The pain in your eyes has just finished me off with those words. They always say "Be careful what you wish for." Well I got it. Words that make sure I know I'm to blame. Words that give me one last chance to say something to win you back. Oh god please don't let those be your last words to me. Not when you say them that way, in that cold apathetic way that I know you don't mean but it hurts so much that you would try to fool me. That convinceing way that if it weren't for you eyes I would have bought. After all we've been through you would put on the same act you came with. Tell me you want me to hurt for what I did! Because I am! I would readily admit that if you simply ask! But this is what you coming back depends on doesn't it? Those last words... _my_ last words.   
  
I have to say something! But that DAMN pulsing, painful, growing lump in my throat won't let me, and I can't look at you anymore! No matter how much I want to. Because.. because that beautiful face is staring at me with that mask of cold indifference. That mask that I know how to see through to, to the anger and pain and betrayal in you eyes. No the mask is not indifference, it's almost hatred. Oh god you hate me... That's why you wouldn't look at me, that why you made those your last words.   
  
I turn away, because I can't look at you, I just CAN'T! I hear your retreating steps and my heart, the heart that your walking away with, screams "COME BACK! PLEASE JUST COME BACK!" That or maybe it's whatever piece of you your leaving with me. Well that's rather egotistical of me isn't it? But it's true, I know you Peter Wisdom. I know you so well that it breaks my heart. It breaks mine because I know I'm the one that broke yours.  
  
Now I finally manage to respond to your statment. "I thought I did." Even as I say even though you can't hear it I know it's not the whole truth. In past tense it's true. In present tense I KNOW I love you. Otherwise this wouldn't hurt so much would it?  
  
You're leaving me, they always leave me. Everyone leaves. First my parents, shipping me off so I wouldn't have to deal with their divorce. Then Doug, the real Doug Ramsey you never met, the X-men when they "died" in Dallas, that hurt allot my friends.. my "family" not seeing fit, not trusting me with the knowledge that they were alive. Racheal, and Illyana, Piotr, Racheal again. The men especially, like my father they usually leave me by choice. Even Larry Bodine killed himself to leave me.. well I know that wasn't exactly the reason why but... But I know I'm the one who started this. I began to leave first. You told me yourself. I had been like a stranger since I came back. I started the retreat, and your kept it going. In fact your so in the flow with it that you initiated the physical aspect of it. Of course when the emotional is in a state like this, the physical leaving is easy. I made it too easy for you to leave me... Better sooner than later I guess. You would have left me anyway in the end.. I know you would have... they all do.  
  
I hug Lockheed closely to me, but I much as I hate to admit it, he's of little comfort to me right now. He's just not what I want. Just not what I need. He's just not you.  
  
------------------------------------  
SUMMARY OF THE NEXT CHAPTERS!! (But No details or spoliers) READ AT OWN RISK  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
This is looking to be 5 parts, part two only needs some minor editing before I put it up. Part two is a more detailed look at Pete's thoughts. Three I have decided whose view yet but It will be Kurt talking to Kitty (only scene in this case not from the comic), Four is Pete and Meggan on the Pier, Five Pete and Kitty as his ship sails. 


	2. Always Too Hard On Herself: Pete to Kitt...

Pete, Kitty, Lockheed and Meggan Belong to Marvel not me... they seriously need to get Pete and Kitty back together The thoughts inside the "~"s are the ones directly from the comic(Excalibur 120) . All spoken dialouge in this part is from the comic as well  
  


**Parting Thoughts**  
By Hika-chan  
**Chapter 2: Always Too Hard on Herself- Pete to Kitty**  
  


I'm packing... I'm leaving... leaving her, and she's looking at me, I can feel it. But I can't look at her, because if I do I'll stay and then the same thing will happen again some other time. Wisdom you wanker you know that's not true. She's the most pure and innocent woman on the face of this planet. It's that naivate', that pureness that led to her mistake isn't it? You know it. But that's what you love about her. She never lied to you, she's probably never lied period. True she didn't tell me what happened when she first got back but that's because she was confused, she was trying to sort it out. She's got an analytical mind like that ya know... I know, I mean.. I talk to meself wierd but that doesn't matter right now. That scientific analytical mind o' her's wants everything sorted out good and well before you go into anything. Too bad you can't seem to accept that in this case. She should have told you right out as soon as you saw each other again.  
  
"So this is it huh?" She says. Her voice contains some defeat, like she's half way to giving up. But she's not giving up just yet. She's stuborn like that.. I always loved that about her. But I can't hardly believe she said that, it's just so.. cliche', so... so ... so _not her_. Or do you really know her as well as you think you do? Of course not. That was, no is part of the beauty that is Kitty. If she were easy to figure out then she wouldn't have been so goddamn irresistable, now would she? The fact that I know her so well and not at the same time, that she could always surprise me... that she loved me. That always surprised me... that she could love a bloke like me.  
  
"Looks like it." I suppose that's an automated response. Not excatly a resounding "yes" but sure as sod not a "NO of course I'm bloody staying!" Perhaps she just needed to fill the air with some noise. I know the silence was begginin' to bug me. We always thought alike like that. I try not to smile at that little thought. We knew each other so well and we didn't even try. It's like... I guess it's like Meggan or somethin', but we never need her powers to be on the same wavelength. I need smoke in me lungs, wash out some o' that fresh air. As though it will wash out some of that purity you gave me. That light you put in my heart. As though it could wash away my feelings for you and the hurt they caused. Well we know THAT's not going to happen.  
  
I pull out a fag anyway. "Will you be back?" I'm actually happy that she asked. It's hard 'cause she's tryin' to cover up her feelin's enough so she can talk right, but I can hear that little bit o' desperate plea in her question. Or maybe I don't hear it, maybe I just know it's there. Just like I know I should throw my suitcase on the floor grab her and kiss her. I want to put all my hurt, betrayal, pain, love, and desire all in one bleedin' kiss and make her feel it. Make her feel that I still want her.  
  
I light it between my fingertips. "Depends." You're such an awful sod fer answerin' her like that. But I can't right say that the answer is "yes" becasuse I honestly don't know. I don't right know if I'd be willing to take the chance again, because I hate this pain. I can stand anything you throw at me physically, but emotionally?  
  
"On?" I don't know, I really don't. On how much booze I drink, on what it makes me do. On if I get dragged inta somethin'. On if I die. Depends on if some leftover Black Air toerags or anyone else from me past like Sari catch me when I'm passed out. On if I'm able to pick up the pieces of my heart. Depends on if it's too late when I do that...   
  
"Dunno Pryde. It just depends." I look over at her just after she looks away, too late to catch her eye. Too late... I don't wanna be too late. Do I forgive you? I dunno, Can I forgive you, more'n likely. But in time? Knowin' me, the way I am, how bloody stubborn I am I'll be too late. By the time I let go of my stubborn pride it'll be too late to get my beautiful, even more stubborn, Pryde back.  
  
"That's not fair, Peter." She's right. "We parted on a bad note." Right again. "I was having doubts about our relationship." she was? why? Just because of your fight? "Nothing actually happened between Rigby Fallon and me. I just felt... something" Something... and what is 'something' exactly?  
  
"Something different than what I feel for you -" Was it any better? "- Mostly because he and I are the same age -" So if I were younger you wouldn'ta felt 'something' for the wanker? "- But nothing like what you and I share. I'm not asking you to like it," Good thing. 'Cause I hate it. "but can't you at least see my side?"  
  
Her side... her side. She was having doubts.. was I? Of course I was always having doubts, especially before her. Doubts about letting people in, doubts that I could keep them alive.. and I can't. If I could Culley wouldn'tve died.. but this isn't about that. But at the same time it is. If he hadn't have gotten in trouble then Kitty never would've taken me to London. An' if he hadn't o' died then I wouldn'ta gotten on my vengeful streak, and she wouldn'tve found out that I acutally care. Care about the job that needs doin'... because I care about people. And people need to be taken care of, saved from themselves and the world.  
  
"Why should I?" Saved from people that would go after them to get ta me.  
  
"Peter if you can't answer that for yourself..." I already know, she was scared. Like I always used to be. I was always scared of getting close. Until I found her. When I was wih her I wasn't afraid of anything... except one. I was afraid I would lose her, loose her to death. But apparently that wasn't the kind of loss I should have worried about. I doubted she would live through our relationship. She probably doubted I would live through it. After all how many times have I almost died or got hurt already already? Rasputin, then Nate Grey, Sari, the Sidri.. though she wasn't exactly there to witness those last two. I think she was scared she wouldn't be able to save me. She would prolly die if I died while she was there and still not able to save me... I know I would if she did.  
  
"Then maybe this is for the best."  
  
~I can imagine what she's thinkin' right now. "A chance at genuine happiness stares you dead in the face for the first time in your miserable life, and what do you do..? Pack your bags. All because some 'bird' broke what's left of your heart. Think you're being a real man, sneaking out of my life, out of Excalibur, as quietly as you snuck in? That's no 'man'. That's a bloody coward. A real man doesn't hide his feelings from his friends. He _shares them_, regardless of the consequences." And she'd be right. I should tell her how I feel. How much she hurt me. How much I want her to hurt for it. It would be so easy... for a coward. Still I should say somethin' I owe her that much.~  
  
I've stubbed out my cigarette and grabbed my suitcase already. Now I pause at the door. Not looking at her.. no, not looking at _you_, Kitty... Katherine. Can I look at you right now and speak? I should say something....  
  
"You said you _loved_ me." That came out a bit harsher, a bit duller, a bit more lifeless than I meant it to. My face has automatically assumed its now unfamiliar mask, but defense mechanisims always come back easily I suppose. Especially ones that you've used for so long. Is that what this is Katherine? A defense mechanism, drive me away before I leave you? You're a much more foolish than I ever thought if you believed that I ever would have left you... but here I am... leavin'. Bollocks I hate being a hypocrite.  
  
We both look at each other at the same time. It hasn't even been a full second since I spoke. I barely even bother to recognize the purple rat around your neck. I bet he's happy about this. But you look so shocked, so surprised, so hurt at what I said. The way I said it. It sounded far more accusing than I meant it too. I wait for you to say something now. It is your turn after all. But I guess it sounded to harsh, because you can't look at me now.   
  
I want you look at me and say something, but instead you look away. It's a gesture of defeat you know. You just gave in to my action. You stopped asking questions. You just conceded defeat to me and my leaving. You just gave me the right to walk away without it being my fault. But I know it's as much mine as yours. But you won't think that. I know you at least that well, you were always too hard on yourself.  
  
I'm walking down the hall thinking of all the ways you changed while with me. You never used to think you were beautiful. I remember the first time I told you that, you thought I was joking or not thinking clearly, especially since your hair was a mess accordin' to you. Sure you always thought you were decent looking but beautiful? You had never seemed to think that before I told you at least fifty times. I never understood why. And you're not just beautiful Katherine you're abso-fukin-lutely gorgeous. You are perfect. You are an angel. You ARE a goddess. But's that's the problem with goddesses, there's always someone else there to steal her favor. When something like that happens it's hard to gain the trust back.  
  
Especially with a bloke like me... but you knew that didn't you? I want to trust you so much my beautiful Katherine, but I'm a bloody coward. I don't want to be hurt again. Not by you... I couldn't live through that a second time.  
  
No.. your a smart girl. You would have learned from this first time, you would know not to do it a second time. But... like I already said, I a bloody coward... I don't want to risk that again... If I can't say it to you I can at least admit it to myself, I do still love you Katherine. That's why this hurts so much...  
  



	3. A Vacant Room: Kurt

**Parting Thoughts**  
By Hika-Chan  
**Chapter 3: A Vacant Room- Kurt to Kitty**

  
  
"This is Kurt Wagner calling from Muir Island.Who's this?"  
  
"Marrow! What the #&$@ do you want!?"  
  
"Ahh, you must be new. Be a Darling and put one of the 'real' X-men on, would you? there's a leibchen..."  
  
"'Real' X-men? 'REAL' X-MEN?! Why you lousy Moth-"  
  
"Oop" I pulled the phone away from my ear before the distinct sound of the phone being crushed was followed by the dialtone. "I'll.. uh.. call back."  
  
That was a few minutes ago and now I'm heading towards my room. I stop when I see Pete Wisdom's back as he turns a corner further down, jacket over his shoulder and suitcase in his hand. So that's it? He's leaving just like that? One minor indescretion on Kitty's behalf and it's over? He must really love her then, for it to hurt so much that he feels he has to go. That is it right? I can't help but think back to when we were in Germany at the club. He told me there were "Plenty o' other birds in the bush." And before that in Hong Kong. What was it he said? "You know birds, Wagner, they say they want a stable an' steady relationship t' keep you at the nest. But they're just waitin' f'r ya t' turn yer back an' fly the coop themselves" For an instant I am surprised at my memory.   
  
I had thought that before Pete's other relationships were probably never serious. That an... well perhsps he doesn't see it as a "minor" indescretion. Well I would think that a not so serious relationship would easily bowl over such an incident as it were. Afterall if emotions are not so involved it would be easier to rationalize... wouldn't it?  
  
"Plenty of fish in the sea" huh? I can imagine he might know what I was feeling now. There _are_ pleanty of other birds, other fish, but none are remotetly like Kitty. If he really loves her shouldn't he give her a second chance? I know I would. Ahh but Wisdom is not me, he is a spy. It is hard to gain a spy's trust, and harder to keep it. Anyone could see that when he first came to us, he wanted nothing to do with anyone. He didn't drink so much then, probably because he was on the job... But Kitty got through to him and he trusted her completely. He must be hurting now but what about Katzchen?  
  
I step foward approaching the open door to him room and I hear Lockheed coo in an attempt to comfort her. I stop for a second, wondering if she wants to be alone. I only take a single step in. Katzchen's eyes seem to stare deeply and blankly over the expanse of the place, as though taking in every detail of the now vacant room. The only evidence that it was recently occupied was the unmade bed and a few scraps of trash on the floor. Empty cigarette box or two here, a scrap of paper there. I don't want to disturb her but I feel I should ask. I am not going to ask if she is alright. I know she will lie and say she is fine, that she'll pull through. So instead, "Katzchen... do you want to be alone?"  
  
The barest sad laugh escapes her lips, it's more a strangled gasp than a laugh. "Don't worry," she says quietly, "There's plenty of time for that later." I try not to wince, the tone in her voice is so dull, so forlorn. It's not like Kitty at all. I place a hand on her shoulder trying to offer some feeble comfort. "He didn't leave me anything Pete. Not a single thing," she choked but for some reason she wasn't crying. I could tell she wanted to. "I have nothing left of him except some dumb photos, memories and pain... He didn't even leave a tie."  
  
"He is not gone yet." As soon as I say it I wish I hadn't.  
  
"Yeah.. he is. But it's hard to believe, that's why I haven't cried yet." She smiles sadly, her eyes are glazed with unshed tears. I wish I could do more to comfort her. "I... I keep hoping that before he gets on that boat, he's gonna change his mind and come back here. And if he does it wouldn't do for me to look all puffy and crying when he does." The smile falls, "I have to be strong. I have to get through this. I _have_ to. I am an X-man. I am Shadowcat. I took on Sabretooth and beat him. I have fought sentinels and aliens and supervillian mutants. I can't let one spy beat me."  
  
She always tries so hard to be strong, but something tells me that will not work in this case, not for long. If she does not bend in this instance she will break, but the one she wants to pick up the pieces won't be there to do it. I wonder if she realizes this is a completely different battlefield. One she has never been in the middle of before. True she has had previous love and affection for others and them for her. Never before has it been both ways at the same time though.   
  
I scan the room, looking for a sign of the man that was once here aside from the smell of Malboro cigarettes and alcohol, mostly scotch probably. I can't tell her that he'll come back if he loves her. If I do I know what she would probably say. "What if he never comes back? What if he doesn't love me then? What if he _never_ loved me?" I cannot say that to her, especially not now. I stop a moment as a darker spot under the bed catches my eye. I go over and crouch down, she's finally looking at me, watching me curiously. I grab hold of the fabric and pull it out. It's one of his old trench coats, the one he wore when he first arrived by the looks of it. The bottom portion is so tattered and torn that it only would go down to his knees as opposed to nearly the ground as it should have. I grin, holding it out to her. "Does the man never throw anything out?"  
  
She laughs weakly, gratefully and takes it from my hands and hugs it tightly to her chest. "Is there anything I can do for you Katzchen?" She shakes her head. I think of a joke, she could use a laugh. I just hope she doesn't take it too seriously. "Are you sure?" I ask humor obvious in my voice. "There is still time for me to beat him up if you like." But I have no right to, it was not him who started this. I wish it was because then I could beat him... then again if that were the case she would probably beat me to the punch.  
  
Once again the happy-sad laugh and she forces a smile for me. "Nah, we'll just say that when Piotr beat him up counts for this." There is humor in her voice but I see she is reliving the fear she felt that day. I regret making the joke now.  
  
As I watch her cross the vacant room to the window I wonder if the two will end up together again. If he will eventually return or if she will run after him. The two are such opposites but fit so well together, a fit too perfect for them not to. Perhaps they will come together again, like Scott and Jean, but hopefully without so rough a road. Suddenly I remember a time when we used to thikn Kitty and Piotr would end up together in the end. But no, that was nothing like this. Even before Pete came along Kitty had grown up and Piotr had not. Though it amazes me how much he has already changed in his time here, maybe there is still hope for the teo of- No. I will not predict Katzchen's future love life, nor will I push her back towards Piotr. Is she wishes to go there she will.  
  
I notice her body tense, she must be able to see Pete out the window. "Kurt..." she almost whispers so I have to strain to hear. "Could you take Lockheed with you when you go? I want to spend some time alone."  
  
She wants her time alone soon, I can gather as much. I hold out my arm and the dragon flies over to me, carefully landing on my shoulder. I am not so used to holding his weight but I manage. "I will see you later then Katzchen." I begin to head towards the door but she calls my name again so I stop and turn to her, she is still looking out the window. "Yes?"  
  
"Just so you know... if something comes up tonight, or if you need to find me in the morning," I think I know where this is going, I can imagine her biting her lip as her head tilts down. "I'm going to be sleeping in here tonight ok?"  
  
"Of course it's ok Katzchen." You don't always have to be so strong.  
  
"Good, because I'm going to be weak tonight, and in the morning..." her voice trails off.  
  
"You should take more time than that if you need it Kitty."  
  
"Kurt?"  
  
"Yes?" She turns to me and smiles weakly, but appreciatively. Her eyes are very wet but no tears have fallen yet. "Thank you."  
  
"It was nothing. Do you wish me to leave you now?" She nods, and though I know I should leave quickly I do not teleport to hasten my departure. I'm sure she wants to savor in the smell of cigaretts and alcohol that she has now grown accustomed to, and I will not spoil that for her. I never used to see it before, but Pete has been good for her, to her. He was good for us as a team as well. As I close the door behind me quietly leaving Kitty to herself in a vacant room I cannot help but find myself realizing that Kitty is not the only person who wishes he would stay. As much as he tries to hide it, Pete Wisdom is a good man, and as much as I try to deny it I have grown to like him. And so as I walk back down the hall with Lockheed on my shoulders I make a silent prayer. Please help them find each other again, then they will have back their happiness and we will have back our friend.  
  
Yes, as much as it hurts to admit this right when he's leaving, Peter Wisdom is my friend.  
  



	4. On the Docks: Meggan

All characters herin belong to Marvel and I am not Marvel  
All spoken dialouge in this part is from the comic (Excalibur 120).  
  


**Parting Thoughts**  
By: Hika-chan  
**Chapter 4: On the Docks - Meggan**

  
  
Another ship is coming in and for the first time I am not solely focused on whether Brian is on it or not. My attention is divided between him and the raging storm of sad, dark emotions behind me. It shouldn't end like this, it's not fair! It's not fair for either of them!  
  
Pete's such a good man who's lived a horrible life. And Kitty felt she had never truly felt love. Both thought they were resigned to their fates, he had given up hope of ever redeeming himself and she was almost without hope herself. They found love and happiness in each other, so much that it was impossible for me to feel sad around them. Pete never believed that he deserved her, that he deserved happiness. Kitty never imagined that she would ever find a man who would love her at the same time she loved him, and just as much. There is so much love between them even in this storm. It's like lightning in a storm, brief flashes of beautiful white hot light that when gone makes the darkness appear even more so.  
  
I can't believe this is happening. Not only because of their love but because they fit so well together, like two pieces of a puzzle. I do not think I have felt that around any couple. It always felt like, still feels like they _belong_ together. Like I belong with Brian. In the simplest terms I had always thought that the two of them were soulmates. People who would never be whole without the other. It's just not fair!  
  
It'd be impossible not for me to feel him coming. I can feel both of them. What was once intense joy radiating off them like sunshine, now there is loniliness. Lonliness and pain and guilt and fear, loss, anger, helplessness. It's easy for me to feel allot of that simply because I am feeling it to, for my Brian. But now is not the time for me to think that. I will get to wallow in my own self pity when he leaves. He will leave, he's already decided, there's a stubborn determination inside him. That and his pain, hurt and anger have tied his love for Kitty down hand and foot. But he's uncertain, probably about wheter or not he'll ever return.  
  
He desires, my guess? He doesn't want to think about what he's leaving behind, and that he _wants_ and _needs_ what he's leaving behind. Maybe he wants sympathy. He'll only get it because I'm an empath, because I know the pain he's feeling. He's leaving, just like Brain left. I can't feel all that sorry for him since it's his choice. But he's also waiting, just like me. He's probably waiting for Kitty to come running down to the dock to stop him. But she's waiting for him to turn around. They're too proud, too scared to risk hurting even more right now to do what the other is hoping for so much. I feel their pain, their sorrow. It's putting a lump in my throat. I can't even imagine how he manages to put up the front he's putting up now or how he can even think about smiling, much less actually manage it. "Waitin' for your ship t'sail luv?"  
  
We befriended each other rather easily, expecially given my empathic nature. I am a little happy that he has manage to take a moment to ask about me out of genuine concern. But I am angry because he's also doing it just so he won't feel what he's feeling. He will never get over this pain if he keeps burying it. And he will not face it, I can guess he will try to drown it, but he will never give in. Too stubborn, too proud to cry. 'What fools these mortals be.' Why do so many people hide from their emotions? He has asked me a question. I finally take a moment to answer. "Every Morning, I sit here watching the trawlers come and go, hoping one of them will bring my Brian back to me. And Everynight, I get up and go back to my room. Alone." I feel his heart clench as does mine on the last word.  
  
"That's life, girl." He takes almost no time to respond, then he throws his cigarette into the water. I feel it's fire get swallowed by the water, the minute warmth that transferrs to the chill waters. I am surprised I can feel anything natural with the amount of emotion Kitty and Pete are filling my senses with. His voice turns bitter. "Get used to it."  
  
'Get used to it'? That's his great philosophy? That's how he plans on getting through this? "You don't really belive that, Peter. Do you?"  
  
He knows he's going to regret asking me, but he does it anyway. "What do you think?" Maybe he just wants to hear someone say it outloud. I always tell the truth like Kitty does, but I do not always fear being so blunt. I will almost always speak my mind.  
  
His emotions are flooding through me, so my mind takes those emotions and I feel them as I speak. First I am angry. "Sometimes I think you put on these crass, detatced airs to keep people off balance and at arm's length." Fear. Fear for friends and loved ones, fear of loosing, fear of not being able to get back what I have lost. "So they won't get close enough to see that behind the swearing and the cigarettes you're really no differnet than them." Need, want, desire. And love... Gods so much love under all that angst, fear and pain, so I feel that and my own pity for him. "That you need... and want.. their love and affection, and that you've got so much love inside you just waiting to burst out." The love the two of them felt was like a geyser... maybe.. maybe it was just too much for them. It must have been so overwhelming. Niether of them was used to it... maybe that's why on this first chance they got they both ran. Ran like water down the streaming river, retreated like rain into the ground. With one simple excuse they let the fear swallow their love like the cold waters just did the fires on his cigarette. "Maybe it's because I'm an Empath that I sense this..." Judging by his expression as he picks up his suitcase and stands up maybe he meant it as a retorical question. I have to smile a bit this. "But you asked me my thoughts and _that's_ what I think."  
  
"Yeah well... next time I _won't_ ask." There is breif flash of another kind of pain. I guess he thinks he won't ever get the chance to ask me again. "Now If you'll pardon me..." the ship has docked, I spare it a spilt second of my attention, long enough to know Brian is not on it. I am almost glad that, this once, that is the case. I wouldn't want to add jealousy to the list of painful emotions Peter and Kitty are carrying "My ship's about to sail..." There's a last desperate surge of confusion, a moment to reconsider. This is his point of no return, his last chance to turn back to her. He steps aboard the ship gingerly. "And so am I."   
  
After his feet are securely on the boat he casts his eyes back to the building, back to a window. I can feel the connection as their eyes meet, that mutual longing between them, that the other will do what they have not the stregnth to do. The desperate wish for it to be anyway but this. But both are too tired, too unsure, too lost, to make the wish a reality. As the ship begins to leave my heart breaks with the hearts of two of my friends'.  
  
And so I let my tears fall, one for each of my friends... and then more for them. Loves like theirs should never end this way....  
  



	5. As the Ship Sails: Katherine And Peter

They don't belong to me, they belong together*HINT HINT*... I mean they belong to Marvel  
  


**Parting Thoughts**  
Hika-chan  
**Chapter 5: As the Ship Sails - Katherine and Peter**

  
  
I choke on a sob as you jumps onto the small craft. The cursed boat that takes you away from me. I am amazed that I can make out that much detail from here, especially with the bright and callous setting sun behind. You timed it damn near perfect too, didn't have to wait very long for the boat. It makes sense though, I would probably do the same. It doesn't give you time to chicken out or work up the courage... I'm not really sure which one it is. But the less time you have to make up your mind...  
  
You're looking at me, I can tell, I can feel it. You don't even have to search for where I am. This dark and empty room, now only filled with smells and memories... And me, standing here by the window holding the curtain out of my view and your oldest most tattered trench coat in the other. The wind whips around your unruly black hair, making me think about how it was when I first saw you. A small part of me is happy that I can see you're not hiding from your emotions as you look at me this last time. My vision blurs and I blink so I can see you better, releasing the first of my tears.  
  


***  
  


I take a good long look back at what I'm leaving behind. Not Muir, I don't really give a damn about the Island aside from it bein' where I first met ya... well that and a few other choice mem'ries I'll be drowning in scotch and whiskey tonight. I'm lookin' back at you love. Just like yer lookin' at me. I gotta squint my eyes to see ya, what with the damned sunlight reflecting off the glass. It's odd really. I'm allowing myself to induldge in this last bit o'... longing, I suppose, fer ya and you... Yer face looks damn near blank, still tryin' to hold back those tears love?  
  
You never did strike me as the type to cry in front o' others. Ya never did infront o' me I know that. Then again we always were happy weren't we...  
  
We were happy... Bollocks Katherine what the fuck happened? Why did it have to be that lookin' at you know puts a lump in my throat and pain in my heart? Just as much as it does joy? Don' worry none love, let it out cry, scream, and kick all ya want. We're gonna need to work through this ourselves.. and alone.  
  
Honestly ne'er thought I'd use that word to apply to me again, but I'll tell you I was damn scared that I would... and her I am, alone, again. But not yet, not while I'm still lookin' at you love. I can indulge for longer, as long as I can still see you. Go ahead an' cry Katherine, I won't tell no one. Somehow I see the orange light hit the first first tear sliding down yer cheek. There ya go love... let it all out, one o' us has to.  
  


***  
  


God Peter I am so sorry. Why do things have to be like this? Please stop, please come back. I'm begging you Peter. Now I realize I haven't been breathing and gasp and my tears flood. Somehow I know you see them and I don't give a bloody damn. Please don't leave me.  
  
Peter? Where did you go?  
  
Damn that sun! All I can see is your silhouette, like your riding off into the sunset like a damn cowboy. Except this is no spagetti western the two of us are laughing over. This is real and harsh and now I hate the setting sun that hides you from me. But I still watch you, crying, barely noticing the occasional taste of tears on my lips. But the sun sets, and you dissapear with it.. leaving me alone... in the dark.  
  
One last please a hoarse whisper meant to be a scream, "please forgive me. please come back..."  
  


***  
  


I'm sorry I'm not younger, I'm sorry things turned out this way. I'm sorry I want you to hurt. I'm sorry you _are _hurting. I'm sorry I can't bring myself to tell you that dispite all this I still love you.   
  
I'm sorry I'm such a coward Katherine.   
  
I hope you can forgive me.  
  
I hope when I do come back that it won't be too late.  
  
I don't know what makes me so bloody certain, but I didn't say "_If _I come back..."  
  
  
  


~*end*~ 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*Spoiler preview below*  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Pete**: don' worry you lot, happy endin' sequel's not far behind. knowin' Hika-chan she'll start writin' it after she gets to watch the new Buffy... the Yank can't get enough o' that Spike fella. Not that I blame 'er, bloke kinda reminds me o' me.   
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  


I am going to kill Kurt. Thrusting me into the middle of all these desperate women. That's like throwing a bleeding person into a a feeding frenzy of sharks. Knowing my stupid luck (or lack thereof) the dumb bouquet is going to land in my lap and the great bloody russian is going to catch the garter. Oh that's too funny, I can't believe I referred to Piotr the same way Pete... the same way Pete used to. I can't help but smile a bit as I watch the fight for the bouquet. But I'm thinking about Pete.. and that's when it happens. The damn bouquet lands, almost literally in my lap. I am not at all surprised and my dull and bored expression shows it. "Figures." 


End file.
